so i guess im back in square one again.

with everything that has been going on, i dont think that i've actually sat down and asked what i, as in ME want.  bouncing back in forth was okay, but it wasnt good enough.  What i wasnt getting from one, i just went straight to the other.  i have no idea where i stand. One says he'll wait if he has to, but now only a fucking day later, has already pushed me out. the other convinced he can make it work, but doesnt have the balls to follow through.  how the freak do you get your self into a freaking love triangle? 

Boy One:
loved him since december o5.
gave me everything until his friends were more important.
my best friend.
doesnt look at my the same.
gets annoied easily with me.
stands up for his friends before me.
will do anything for me, after i cry for 5 hours.
will always come if i need him.

Boy Two:
tall, dark, and oh so hansome. =]
hates to see me upset.
puts up with everything from boy one.
stands down, because he 'loves' me.
Bow chica WOW WOW. =]
will go out of his way to be sorry. (even if im not that mad)
doesnt mingle with my friends.
used to?care(s) more about me than anything.

basically im pretty confused.
because one day i know where i want to be.
but then i talk to one and my mind gets all jumbled.
i really cant stand being apart from either.

god, seriously WHO gets themselves into this mess?...
yah leave it to me.  

        For what its all worth, i`d still give you everything. I would do anything for it all to just go back to normal. For you to understand, for you to know how i feel.  It all got out of place. Back and forth with revenge, like it was a game.  I guess the game finally went to far, and now were both, well i`m left here. I may have my friends, my family, my life, but that doesnt add to us. what we were, and how US affected how i lived my life, day to day.  To me all it seems is that you forgotten, like it was a bad dream. Stored in the back of your mind to be erased by a better come fortune.  To know a person such is unforgettable, and i guess to have such history is unforgiving. I never wanted things to just die apart. Its not about the gifts for me. It never has been. I dont understand why the hell it is for you. What is the big deal, why do you need materials to be satisfied? i want the company, the trust, and everything else that those materials wont give you.  If thats all you can give me, why did you try for so long to make me believe you could do more?

forget it.

this [love] is serious..

no matter what people thiink. --Ciara

current mood: argumentative. they didnt have a smiley.

soo honestly..
why the hell should i be scrutinized for all this 'time' spent together. if you actually look at it. its time together. did you get that? together. look it up in a dictionary. here i`ll help you. In association with or in relationship to one another; mutually or reciprocally. in other words. it takes more than one person to have time spent together. and if so much time is spent together then it must be good. and the people missing out...aren`t making the proper effort to let their good times roll.  maybe one should look on the other side of the togetherness, because what they think is the problem, is excatly the opposite. but they would never sieze to see that because they are too effin` stuborn to think
different. and i guess that its just easier to blame the person, who supposedly took him away.  oh well.

on a brighter note...
i`m really happy the grass is greener on the otherside. everything seems to basically be back, right on track. and im excited for a brighter future, together. hard times come and go, but i am really happy we can get through those.  most of the time. but i guess thats what it takes. time. and a lot of it. eff the haters. they are just jealous. but i guess jealousy serves its own purpose. it gives us that extra push to keep us going. and that extra inch to stay stronger for a longer time. the important thing is that, we know we can make it, and we know those other people,
dont matter. end of story. i love you. =]

kimmmy <3

i cant help but think...
that everything we went through...
didnt pay off in the end.
that all the words we said..
had a meaning less than what we meant.

i cant see another day of all this upon me.
i mean we worked so hard to keep this alive.
we worked so hard to keep us together.
i worked so hard.
i worked so hard to keep this straight.
to hide myself from any pain.
but in the end, i guess thats what became of me.
all the while, my heart still stands in the same.

i still love you with un-dying devotion.

i have this problem.. that if i think something, that 'something' no matter whether right or wrong, will always seem right to me. if not right, it is stuck in my head, like its nailed down.  no one can change that, no one can tamper with it, it is just there.  in other more simple words, im so stubborn its pathetic. honestly, it annoys me sometimes, but i tend to believe myself vrs. what other people tell me.  i have major trust issues, and what happens these days just makes it harder. i open myself up easily to someone whom i think i can trust, and all i get is... more pain. hah what a biiiiiit... yeah i really need to stop swearing. gian really doesnt like it. oh and thats the other thing. i promised myself that i wouldnt let a single person run/control/obess/lead any of the adjectives, my life. after whats been going on. ive been finding it hard to come out on top lately, and it just seems like there is just something that is missing, and i cant quite put my finger on it. oh well. thats enough of my personal life to the world.

kimmay <3

postscript; its so weird to talk to someone after so much time. and to not have anything to say to them, and even any feelings towards them but pity and whatever else.